Saturday, June 25, 2005
I am the Sandwich
Goo Goo G'joob!
I'm not really the sandwich...I'm only the filling. In my first post I mentioned that I am caring for my father who has Stage IIIb or IV lung cancer. My mom died many years ago so she's not available to help my dad...I have no brothers or sisters and my dad is very distant from the surviving members of his family. I'm all he has. Add to that I have two young children, one of whom has a bad speech delay and requires therapy. I'm a little busy :)
I'm finding that people, mostly the medical or therapeutic professionals I'm dealing with at that particular moment, expect me to put their patient (my dad or my son) at the top of my priority list immediately. Often there is little or no regard for the fact that there are others who I am responsible for caring for as well. Let me share two examples with you.
Example One:
My son's kindergarten teacher...very controlling woman who did many other things to alienate my son and me through out the year...wanted to set up our last parent/teacher conference of the year. Conferences were supposed to happen on a specific Friday in May. The Monday of that week our old au pair left so I had no childcare. My dad had radiation treatment every morning at 9AM that I had to drive him to since the radiation was damaging his eyes. I was assigned the 8:30AM time slot for a meeting. I told the teacher that I would not be able to meet that day and that any time the following week would be fine. I was trying to be flexible! The teacher then told be she would be flexible too...I could come it at 8:30 or 7:30AM on the day of the conferences. We didn't have a conference and the teacher complained in the staff meeting about my priorities (I know this because a teacher that I'm friends with was there) and that my kids should come first regardless of what was happening with my dad. Let me add that our parent/teacher conferences were never particularly fruitful. She had a very rigid idea of who and what my son was that just didn't jibe with what the professionals or myself felt to be the truth. This teacher complained for over 5 minutes about what a horrible mom I was because I wouldn't sit down with her for 30 minutes (when I saw her twice a day 5 days a week) to discuss stuff that I didn't feel was all that important.
Example Two:
This week my dad was readmitted to the hospital because of excessive bleeding from the lungs. I called my dad's oncologist after going into my dad's room and seeing several bloody paper towels. The nurse there said I was supposed to take him to the hospital. This was around 10AM. My in laws were already on their way to visit the boys and I was sure they'd be happy to watch them while I took my dad in. The only problem was that they are about an hour away and that's with good traffic (And right now on the tri-state there is no such thing as good traffic). I told the nurse I'd be happy to bring him in and that I was waiting for childcare. 30 minutes later she called to ask where we were.....the hospital is 30 minutes from our house...even if we had left the instant I put down the phone we might not have made it. I told the nurse I was still waiting for the childcare to arrive. The nurse then expressed frustration because I wasn't "moving fast enough".
Me: How much of an emergency do you really think it is? Should I call an ambulance?
Nurse: Oh No NO NO! But Doctor XXXX would like to see him around noon. That means your father needs to be admitted no later than 11:15AM.
Me: I will leave as soon as my in-laws arrive to watch my children.
Nurse: When will that be?
Me: Depends on traffic. They can be here in the next 15 minutes to 45 minutes depending on traffic
Nurse: *sigh* I guess that'll be ok.
Friggin' drama queen :)
Most sandwiches complain about the time involved in caring for people at both ends of the age spectrum. My problem is less the time and more the expectations of people. Neither my dad or my boys are the first priority all the time. My job, as the family caretaker, is to evaluate and prioritize the family resources. Sometimes my dad comes first. Other times my boys come first. That is what people who have not been in that position before don't understand. It's a nice idea that everyone gets what they need at the exact moment they need it. But sometimes it just isn't going to happen.
Debby
I'm not really the sandwich...I'm only the filling. In my first post I mentioned that I am caring for my father who has Stage IIIb or IV lung cancer. My mom died many years ago so she's not available to help my dad...I have no brothers or sisters and my dad is very distant from the surviving members of his family. I'm all he has. Add to that I have two young children, one of whom has a bad speech delay and requires therapy. I'm a little busy :)
I'm finding that people, mostly the medical or therapeutic professionals I'm dealing with at that particular moment, expect me to put their patient (my dad or my son) at the top of my priority list immediately. Often there is little or no regard for the fact that there are others who I am responsible for caring for as well. Let me share two examples with you.
Example One:
My son's kindergarten teacher...very controlling woman who did many other things to alienate my son and me through out the year...wanted to set up our last parent/teacher conference of the year. Conferences were supposed to happen on a specific Friday in May. The Monday of that week our old au pair left so I had no childcare. My dad had radiation treatment every morning at 9AM that I had to drive him to since the radiation was damaging his eyes. I was assigned the 8:30AM time slot for a meeting. I told the teacher that I would not be able to meet that day and that any time the following week would be fine. I was trying to be flexible! The teacher then told be she would be flexible too...I could come it at 8:30 or 7:30AM on the day of the conferences. We didn't have a conference and the teacher complained in the staff meeting about my priorities (I know this because a teacher that I'm friends with was there) and that my kids should come first regardless of what was happening with my dad. Let me add that our parent/teacher conferences were never particularly fruitful. She had a very rigid idea of who and what my son was that just didn't jibe with what the professionals or myself felt to be the truth. This teacher complained for over 5 minutes about what a horrible mom I was because I wouldn't sit down with her for 30 minutes (when I saw her twice a day 5 days a week) to discuss stuff that I didn't feel was all that important.
Example Two:
This week my dad was readmitted to the hospital because of excessive bleeding from the lungs. I called my dad's oncologist after going into my dad's room and seeing several bloody paper towels. The nurse there said I was supposed to take him to the hospital. This was around 10AM. My in laws were already on their way to visit the boys and I was sure they'd be happy to watch them while I took my dad in. The only problem was that they are about an hour away and that's with good traffic (And right now on the tri-state there is no such thing as good traffic). I told the nurse I'd be happy to bring him in and that I was waiting for childcare. 30 minutes later she called to ask where we were.....the hospital is 30 minutes from our house...even if we had left the instant I put down the phone we might not have made it. I told the nurse I was still waiting for the childcare to arrive. The nurse then expressed frustration because I wasn't "moving fast enough".
Me: How much of an emergency do you really think it is? Should I call an ambulance?
Nurse: Oh No NO NO! But Doctor XXXX would like to see him around noon. That means your father needs to be admitted no later than 11:15AM.
Me: I will leave as soon as my in-laws arrive to watch my children.
Nurse: When will that be?
Me: Depends on traffic. They can be here in the next 15 minutes to 45 minutes depending on traffic
Nurse: *sigh* I guess that'll be ok.
Friggin' drama queen :)
Most sandwiches complain about the time involved in caring for people at both ends of the age spectrum. My problem is less the time and more the expectations of people. Neither my dad or my boys are the first priority all the time. My job, as the family caretaker, is to evaluate and prioritize the family resources. Sometimes my dad comes first. Other times my boys come first. That is what people who have not been in that position before don't understand. It's a nice idea that everyone gets what they need at the exact moment they need it. But sometimes it just isn't going to happen.
Debby
