Monday, September 24, 2007
Acceptence
So ends the Days of Awe. I’ve spent much of this High Holiday season meditating on conflict, acceptance, and absolution. Over the past few years I’ve noticed that as I gained a stronger sense of self that some of my long term relationships began to change. Some of them changed for the better…some relationships did not.
So this morning I was reading the New York Times online. There was an essay by someone in the Magazine section about how the writer dropped her wedding ring into a muddy pond to try and help a young married man find his ring. (Go read the story for more details) What truly struck me was the narcissism of her “help” and realized that I’ve been trying to do that for some of the higher conflict relationships in my life. Rather than dropping a ring, I keep insisting that there has to be something that I can do or say to make them see or accept my truth. The fact is its out of my hands. The only thing I can do is make the decision to protect my family, state why I’m taking said action, and then following through. When the other person gets mad about my actions, there are no words that are going to distract them from their pain and anger. I have to accept the fact they’re going to be angry with me, try to change my decision, and be unwilling to accept it. That doesn’t mean that I plan on becoming a punching bag…rather, I plan (hope?) to make it very clear that I withdraw as a consequence of the anger. Those of you who know me probably know who I’m talking about.
So, did I have any great insights about homeschooling? Of course! In light of the Satanic Yoga class and what happened later (being told I wasn’t ‘godly’ enough) I’ve spent much time thinking about being homeschoolers/secular homeschoolers/unschoolers and where it places our family. All of those labels place my family out of the mainstream…each one puts us in a smaller group. And people don’t like it when others do something different. If I talk to a woman who has her kids in public school, 9 times out of 10 she gets defensive when she hears I homeschool. If I talk to a religious homeschoolers, she starts spouting how awful evolution is when she hears we aren’t Christians.
The conflict is inherent. By not being mainstream, there are going to be people who wish to engage in conflict with me to improve their own sense of self-worth. Often it can be small and snide (Talk to me about family sometime) or blatantly large (I really have to write about not being ‘godly’). The past few months I’ve been thinking that these conflicts are because I’m too up front. And that isn’t the case. My mistake is not being accepting of the conflict and trying to diffuse it by acknowledging/accepting it. In the case of Public School Mom, rather than look at her like she’s crazy and changing the subject, I should say something to acknowledge that we made different choices and I’m sure her choice is good for her family. Don’t really know what to do about Christian homeschool mom who freaks when she finds out I’m not Just Like Her, but I’ll think on it some more.
I accept the conflict. I accept that I have to acknowledge it before it becomes something more tangible.
Since this post has gone on long enough, I’ll write more about absolution later.
So this morning I was reading the New York Times online. There was an essay by someone in the Magazine section about how the writer dropped her wedding ring into a muddy pond to try and help a young married man find his ring. (Go read the story for more details) What truly struck me was the narcissism of her “help” and realized that I’ve been trying to do that for some of the higher conflict relationships in my life. Rather than dropping a ring, I keep insisting that there has to be something that I can do or say to make them see or accept my truth. The fact is its out of my hands. The only thing I can do is make the decision to protect my family, state why I’m taking said action, and then following through. When the other person gets mad about my actions, there are no words that are going to distract them from their pain and anger. I have to accept the fact they’re going to be angry with me, try to change my decision, and be unwilling to accept it. That doesn’t mean that I plan on becoming a punching bag…rather, I plan (hope?) to make it very clear that I withdraw as a consequence of the anger. Those of you who know me probably know who I’m talking about.
So, did I have any great insights about homeschooling? Of course! In light of the Satanic Yoga class and what happened later (being told I wasn’t ‘godly’ enough) I’ve spent much time thinking about being homeschoolers/secular homeschoolers/unschoolers and where it places our family. All of those labels place my family out of the mainstream…each one puts us in a smaller group. And people don’t like it when others do something different. If I talk to a woman who has her kids in public school, 9 times out of 10 she gets defensive when she hears I homeschool. If I talk to a religious homeschoolers, she starts spouting how awful evolution is when she hears we aren’t Christians.
The conflict is inherent. By not being mainstream, there are going to be people who wish to engage in conflict with me to improve their own sense of self-worth. Often it can be small and snide (Talk to me about family sometime) or blatantly large (I really have to write about not being ‘godly’). The past few months I’ve been thinking that these conflicts are because I’m too up front. And that isn’t the case. My mistake is not being accepting of the conflict and trying to diffuse it by acknowledging/accepting it. In the case of Public School Mom, rather than look at her like she’s crazy and changing the subject, I should say something to acknowledge that we made different choices and I’m sure her choice is good for her family. Don’t really know what to do about Christian homeschool mom who freaks when she finds out I’m not Just Like Her, but I’ll think on it some more.
I accept the conflict. I accept that I have to acknowledge it before it becomes something more tangible.
Since this post has gone on long enough, I’ll write more about absolution later.
